superdart's Blog

Re: Trying to Fit In The Community

Listening And Celebrating Recovery Event.

We all know that the Government is trying to remove some of the stigma attached to mental illness, so I suppose that is why my local mental hospital recently held what they called a “Listening and Celebrating Recovery Day.” The consultant formally invited several long-term patients, including myself, to attend. Naturally many declined as people with mental health issues don’t generally like the “socialising” type of event. However, half a dozen of us plucked up the courage to turn up on the day with our carers in tow and found some 10-15 medical staff were also there.

The idea behind the event seemed a little mixed as the invite stated that it would be informal and requested that we bring “Samples of our work,” (presumably to show each other what we were still capable of.) However, as everybody arrived we saw all the chairs had been placed in a big circle ready for us to be interrogated!

Two or three patients had brought some of their “work” along, as well as myself, and were given tables to display it on. Naturally I showed some of the books that I have written and put my computer on another to show my web-sites. One older lady put on a rather splendid display of some large paintings and small painted gift cards that she had made. Like me she hadn’t taken up her craft until after her condition had developed.

While everybody was milling about before the “discussion session” started, my CPN brought over a young lady with her father to chat and to see my books. This girl had written a college thesis, on her mental health condition and treatment, that she was interested in getting published. (Later on the consultant praised the standard of her research for the piece.) My CPN told me that several others hadn’t been able to come including one young man who was in the middle of his PHD course.

I don’t know if it is true, but the public impression of people with mental illness is that they are not usually very well educated, come from a poorer background and not much use for anything. It would have been quite an eye opener for people who think like that to have been there that day and seen what a small group of long-term mental health patients were capable of.

It may be a misconception on my part, but I understand that a lot of mental health workers become such because of some association with mental health problems in the past, whether they are their own, those a family member or those of a friend. Indeed I know of a young lady who is trying to set up a web-site based socialising group in a town near to where I live. The young lady obtained her university degree with her thesis on mental health issues and has had her own mental health issues since being a teenager. (SSH Link) So for anybody out there who thinks that developing mental illness is the end of the road, it is not, it is merely a road junction and the start of a new part of the journey of life.

Being Ashamed

Recently I was browsing the Web and read a few of the comments on the Time To Change web-site. The intention for that site is to promote change in the way the general public perceive those with mental health problems. Many people had written comments about the attitudes of those around them and it surprised me that many of them said that, at times, they felt ashamed to be called mental patients. It is what we are, not Geriatric Patients, not Orthopeadic, etc. Surely their surfers would not say they were ashamed to admit they had Flu or a grumbling appendix, so why should we be ashamed to admit that our brains have a slight chemical imbalance that requires medication. It is no more our fault than someone who contracts a disease or breaks their leg.

It seems that many patients are doing themselves no favours by trying to hide the fact that they have a health problem. I am not saying we should blurt it out every time we speak to someone as we are led to believe alcholics do at A.A. meetings, but surely facing up to our problems makes it easier for us to start to deal with them and indeed others may start to accept and even understand our sometimes strange behaviour. Nor am I saying we should look for sympathy from people around us, but we certainly won't win any confidences or respect by trying to deceive others that we are like them when they can clearly see that we aren't.

On a personal level I am heavily involved with local darts leagues and make no secret of my very long term problems, even to the point of making, what some of the Time To Change sites surfers would describe as tasteless jokes that should be made illegal. The tasteless jokes are actually in articles that I write and post on my various darts web-sites for all the world to see. Stephen Fry might not be everybody’s favourite celebrity as he has hit the headlines for the wrong reasons sometimes, but along with others like Terry Pratchett, he is doing more to remove the stigma attached to those of us with mental health problems than all the bleeding heart do-gooders who cry "Politically Incorrect" and try to use some bizarre, non offensive, meaningless term, to describe us.

Re: Forgetfullness

Drug damage.

At the age of about 26 I was put on Chlorpromasine/Largactil tablets by my consultant, after having, for want of a better term, a nervous breakdown, I was diagnosed as a Paranoid Schizophrenic. I lost my job as a Sales representative, sold my house and moved back with my parents, where I lived and worked, after a fashion, on their garden centre. For the 10/12 years I was on Chlorpromasine tablets I was very sleepy much of time and regularly slept the afternoons away in the aquatics department where I was supposed to be working.

Then I started to question if the medication was having a detrimental effect on my physical health as my tolerance of alcohol/beer was practically nil and all those soft drinks were affecting my darts! So after another hospital admission, the consultant decided to put me on a more modern drug and my medication was changed to a depot injection of Modecate which I stayed on for another 10/12 years or so.

A change of consultant then nearly brought about a new classification of my mental health problems, and did result in another change of medication to a Risperidone depot injection that was supposed to have less serious long term side effects, although the consultant said it could have more, less serious, side effects and some people couldn’t take it at all physically. It was about this time that I was told to have annual medical health checks with weight, blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes, white blood cell count, etc to see how much I was deteriorating physically, I guess due to the medication.

After 3 or 4 years I had another crisis point last Christmas and seriously tried to get myself admitted, but my consultant simply upped the dosage by 50% and increased the frequency of his check ups, although now, some weeks later, he has reduced the frequency of his visits, but not the drug dosage. In some ways, I think I am coping very well, because a little while ago, my 86 year old mother had a bad fall, broke her second hip, was hospitalised, and after nearly two weeks on my own and then a week of looking after her at home, we are both still going strong! I might even be putting on weight, because I never prepare the right amount of food for us! This may be sexist, but I now understand why ladies are always concerned about the state of their hands and wearing rubber gloves for washing the crocks!

Forgetfullness

Forgetfullness

We all associate getting old with getting forgetful, but in some people it has more serious implications as with Terry Pratchett and his early onset dementia. He recently started one of his public addresses by introducing himself to the audience by saying, “My name is Terry Pratchett, or at least I think it is, and I have early onset Dementia.”

My classification is Paranoid Schizophrenia and at 51 I am much younger than Terry, but for many years now my memory has been progressively deteriorating. My memory is so bad that I rely on my 86 year old mother to remind me to do many things! In fact I believe my memory was poorer than other teenagers when I was at school and has been slowly getting worse ever since.

As a youngster I loved to read Science Fiction and Detective stories, but that had all but stopped by the time I reached my thirties because I couldn’t follow the plot any more. Some 15 years ago I tried to read “A Brief History Of Time by Stephen Hawking and having got to the end, I had to admit that I hadn’t really understood very much of it. On the other hand after talking to many friends I was pleased to hear them say that neither had they when they read it!

Some 10 or 12 years ago I renewed my interest in computers by enrolling on many free training courses, but found learning very difficult and frustrating. By this time I was about 40 and my memory was getting so bad that I had difficulty in remembering enough of the instructions that I was reading to be able to comprehend them. The answer, I found was to simply read and enact the instructions phrase by phrase until the particular set of instructions was completed. With enough repetition of things I managed to learn quite a bit, albeit very slowly and with much frustration. Nowadays I actually teach computers skills as a volunteer with Age Concern at a computer club and also as a “Computer Buddy” at my local library, although I should not use the word “Teach” as I am not a qualified teacher.

Even though I have the skills, my memory problems are always apparent at the club, as members will often say to my co-volunteer/worker, “He told me how to do that last week and he has forgotten.” I have often heard my co-volunteer/worker say quietly, “He has forgotten more about computers than the rest of us will ever learn.” The problem with this is that it is often something that I have leant only five minutes before that I have forgotten!

My memory is still deteriorating and most days I struggle to actually read much of our daily newspaper. As I read a short article a little bit of it sometimes sticks, but generally by the time I have put the paper down I have virtually no recollection of what was in the paper. On a bad day I do little more than glance at the headlines and read a few odd words out of captions on pictures. Sometimes I even struggle to understand the cartoons if there are too many words in the strip. This may all sound ridiculous as you read this, but I promise you it is true.

Whenever I write anything I am Ok as long as I follow a train of thought, but as soon as I hesitate, or try and recap I am lost and spend a long time trying to pick up where I left off. Again this may sound ridiculous when you think that I am still writing/editing and publishing several short books a year, but as I say I follow a train of thought and do struggle very much, for most of the time. When I am typing up someone else’s manuscript I read two or three words and type those as I can't remember a whole sentence. Then I read another two or three, type those and so on. When I stop typing I honestly have not got a clue what I have typed. In fact I often joke with friends, when they ask me about the last few books I have edited and had published for other people, by saying, “I don’t know what’s in them, I haven’t read them!” They think it is a joke, but it is true, I don’t know what is in them. (Also see another article I wrote on memory some time ago.)

Bi-Polar Disorder and the Celebrities.

The other week I put a little piece on about myself and how I am trying to fit into the community even though I have been under medication as a Paranoid Schizophrenic for some 25 years. Link I mentioned Terry Pratchett and his problems with early Dementia, but forgot to give Stephen Fry a mention who has suffered with Bi-Polar Disorder for many years and given the subject much publicity. See BBC Article He has certainly hit the headlines with his health problems at times, but is again now working on many TV programmes. He does have his own web-site, but I must admit from a quick look at it, it does seem rather commercialised. From reading the above mentioned article it seems that many other celebrities have bipolar, including Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher, Hollywood star Richard Dreyfus and British comedians Tony Slattery and Jo Brand. As for myself, for some 20 years I saw one particular Consultant Psychiatrist who seemed happy with my classification of Paranoid Schizophrenic and I was then passed on to his successor who talked of reclassifying me as a sufferer of Bi-Polar Disorder. In the end he didn't, but I am at a loss to know what the difference is. Mental health classifications seem to almost change at will with some professionals. I realise the boundaries can be blurred, but on one particular hospital admission, some years ago, the staff put me down as annaerexic because I had a serious weight loss at the time and most of my life I have hovered around 16 stone in weight! Perhaps that is why I am such a darts enthusiast, because I have the build for it!

Trying to Fit In The Community

Technically I suppose I am not suffering from depression, but just about every other classification has been used for me at one time or another with the usual being Paranoid Schizophrenic and because of my manic episodes/beliefs I do become suicidal, but have not been very successful in my attempts over the last 25 years of my illness! However, I try and fit in with the general community and am heavily involved with several darts leagues, run several web-sites and do voluntary work with computers for Age Concern and my local library. How I got accepted with my background I do not know, but I love the work and feel I am putting something into the community that pays for my expensive fortnightly Risperidone depot injections. I have not "Worked" for 15 years (On benefit of course with my mothers assistance) and as you can probably tell I am very mixed about how people accept me. In my own small way I am increasing the general publics awareness of how people with mental health issues can be accepted into the community as I make no secrets of my health issues in the darting fraternity as you will see from "Big ALs Darts Site." I have even tried to write my own biograhpy, "Schizophrenia, My Life Story" and had it published, but haven't sold many copies, except locally. Terry Pratchett is publicising "Dementia" and doing a brilliant job of gaining the attention of the Government with it's proposed new initiatives, as I say I hope I am doing my bit with Schizophrenia and wish the creator of this web-site all the best with drawing attention to another great tabboo of depression.